It’s one of those days again. One of the days where I seek out everything to distract me and to help me cope. I woke up this morning and felt it. I knew it immediately. For starters, I slept way longer than I normal would yet still felt tired. My first instinct: cope. I first tried getting myself to go walk and get coffee. “Fresh air is good for you, right? Getting out of the house is always needed!” After dragging myself to the coffee shop, murmuring my order to the barista, and watching everyone else waiting for coffee stare blankly at their phones, I just wanted to run out of there. I figured I just needed the caffeine to hit my system. I opened my computer and decided work would be my coping mechanism. What could go wrong? I’m a happiness engineer by day so I figured it would be perfect: make yourself happy through making others happy. Weird how wrong that is sometimes. That worked for a time but I still felt like I was lagging – “in the fog” people talk about. The answer? Let’s eat lunch – maybe my glucose is just low. It took everything in me to cook myself a thrown together lunch of leftovers. I couldn’t even finish what I prepared when normally I devour lunch. What could it be? What haven’t I tried yet? Next solution: More caffeine of course! A 12oz redbull later and I figured I’d have enough energy to bring myself to go to the gym.
This is the point when I know it’s bad. I love the gym! Redbull always seems to pick me up even on the worst of days. If I can get to the gym, I know most of the time I’ll be okay. Today, I couldn’t get myself to the gym. I threw myself into work acting like getting what I was working on out of the way now would give me more time to relax later. At this point, it’s 6pm. I’m too tired to go the 1.2 miles to the gym. I’ll try just going to the park and get a workout done there! I manage to get myself all the way there only to find that about 200 other people thought Wednesday night at Dolores Park sounded like an AWESOME idea. Nope – can’t do it. Too many people. I turn around and leave.
Where am I now? Curled up in bed writing upon realizing that sometimes you’re better off turning off coping and letting yourself just have a shitty day. I’m down. very down today. Rather than beating myself up about it and dragging myself to do things I know I just can’t muster the strength to do today, I finally realized I need to let myself rest. Some days you can’t cope and that’s okay. Those are days to rest and to feel.