never graceful

Some days I wake up with a budding heartbreak. I sense it’s with me the moment I come to and have learned to make space for what I need to feel as the day goes on. As I meditated today, I doubled over unable to keep myself upright. It somehow felt more comfortable and necessary to fold into myself to properly honor what was spinning through my mind. I found myself fidgeting unable to stay still as my heartache grew.

When I was younger, there were direct causes for feeling this way. It was usually as simple as hurting for a friend in tough circumstances. The heartbreak that grips me now has no easily discernible cause except the vast reality of today’s world. It’s the weight of existing in a broken world and the increasing awareness of just how broken it is for many different people. It’s knowing how I’ve contributed to the weight others feel in their chest.

On days when my heart feels ripped open, I try to reach out. I try to use this opening as an opportunity — to learn, to ease another’s burden, to witness, to be present. It’s never graceful. It’s always worth it. Ultimately, I’ve come to realize the pain is a signal and a call to change. The pain hits first and it’s my duty to reflect. “What is it, Anne? What’s coming to the surface? What do you need to change?”

2 Comments

  1. Chrissie Pollock

    Two days ago I was listening to a meditation on Headspace, and it was quite poignant for me. The focus was: We tend to learn far more from a mind that is cantankerous and restless.

    That was an oddly healing thought for me. Perhaps you, too?

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