I tweaked my knee on Sunday. I was playing soccer on a glorious day after an intensely social weekend with a lovely friend when I planted to make a pass and felt my knee hyperextend (the pass turned out to be an assist for the record). I immediately paused after and felt it out. Something was off. I kept playing but mentally could tell I was now favoring that side, which is never wise to do. I stepped off the field and did my own very unofficial evaluation. I tried lightly squatting on the left side, jumping, light cutting, etc. I finally just simply extended my knee and felt a jolt of pain. I was done and panicked about it.
The days since have involved the most absurd attempts to evaluate whether my knee is now screwed. I balanced on it for long stretches of time and said “ah ha!” when I felt the slightest bit of pain. I tried various leg related machines at the gym waiting for my knee to cry out. I pressed, poked, prodded. I sadly stared at in the shower. I started making mental plans around surgery.
Needless to say, I made an appointment and spent the best $10 of my life to find out that everything is in fact perfectly fine. The doctor immediately got it – “I imagine you have a little PTSD from your other knee” (10 years ago I tore my ACL, both meniscuses, and partially tore my MCL). I made a joke about how if I could do a knee exam truly on myself I would. We chatted after about ligaments and surgeries and sports injuries.
Although I’m extremely gay, I could have kissed the man. I could have married him on the spot. I could have started a religious organization in his name. I could have walked through the streets shouting his praises.
Instead, I got in my car, blasted music, sang, and chuckled to myself the entire drive back. I would get a knee exam every damn day for this feeling. I know one day my body will fail me and it’s all downhill from here in the grand scheme of things but today I have two working knees. Come at me, world. I live to play another day.
Turns out the Stoics were onto something with negative visualization.
(((I am so relieved)))