pair

“Life is better in a pair”. There seems to be something in the water. Numerous folks have found different ways of telling me the same thing in the last year or so. On the surface, it’s harmless and rings true to our societal norms, particularly in the US. There’s some truth to it financially, especially when you take into account the rising cost of being single in the US of A. Rather than questioning the wider system we’re in, I instead get a chorus of voices encouraging me to find my partner. I sense it in the excitement of family members when I indicate I’m seeing someone, even when they know absolutely nothing about her. She could be a serial killer but, hey, at least I’m dating.

We don’t question why it might be easier to be partnered. I feel it in certain (mostly white) queer spaces, desperate to replicate the heteronormativity we’re barred from. I’ve been single for many years and to suddenly be seen as a couple is like arriving in a foreign land again full of strange perks and invitations. This is a well documented phenomenon but the contrast has felt new and more apparent the older I am:

But there is also a competing narrative, which seems to be even more widely embraced: The one that claims that getting married is better for everyone because it makes people happier, healthier, and more connected, and even keeps them alive longer. I have spent much of the past two decades showing the ways in which those claims are grossly exaggerated or just plain wrong (here and here and here). But there are powerful pro-marriage organizations (pro-conventional marriage, that is) invested in perpetuating the myth of the transformative effects of wedlock for both women and men, and they have been highly successful.

Psychology Today article

I don’t buy it. I want layers of relations. During the depths of COVID, I wrote out all of the kinds of relationships I wanted from workout buddies to adventures buddies to pen pals. I don’t want a single pair. I want pairs and trios and friends who know none of my other friends for no reason other than they haven’t crossed paths yet. When I hear life is better in a pair, I feel an emptiness and almost a feeling of being trapped. What a strange and simple model to rely upon. Instead I’ll convey that life is better in relation to others. That might look a million different ways, including in a pair, but I don’t subscribe to that being the better way.