personalized podcast

I saw a brief blurb about a recent NYT article on voice notes and laughed immediately:

Elaine Swann, an etiquette expert who teaches classes for adults as well as children, said that voice notes should not be used for lengthy monologues, but only in cases in which “tone is necessary, but a conversation is not” — an apology, for instance.

“Exercise self-control,” she said. “Don’t barge into someone’s life with a long-winded voice note.” More detailed messages, Ms. Swann said, should be saved for a phone call, when both parties can actively engage.

I immediately texted a pal I notoriously exchange lengthy personal podcast style voice notes to about the article. Over text, we had a good laugh about it. Today, after recording a nearly 25 minute response to their last 25 minute message, I couldn’t help but want to put some thoughts down.

I grew up on AIM, spending hours typing messages back and forth while writing papers. I joined blogger in February 2007 at the suggestion of someone who would turn into an early queer love interest so we could share more long form outside of AIM. At some point in high school, my dad furiously confronted me about the 14,000+ text messages I had sent in one month, back when it mattered how many texts one would send. I want words and thoughts and details.

Voice notes have been a natural extension of marathon texts. What started as all day back and forth texts in my youth turned into an exchange of long messages soon after college. Texts so long that they would sometimes get cut off by Apple and require you to click on the message to reveal its fullness. I adopted this pen paling philosophy after reading a book about how much we are pulled from the present moment with constant distractions and notifications. Soon, my phone was on do not disturb 24/7, I pulled back from incessant texting, and prioritized being present. At the same time, I traveled to where folks were as much as I could for in person time.

Over the last three years, voice notes have increasingly played a role in my long distance friendships. I’ve cried while recording them, had long stretches of silence trying to find my words, have threatened to delete them and re-record and then sent them anyways.

Some experts say there can be downsides to avoiding those discomforts. Sherry Turkle, a psychologist at M.I.T., warned of a widespread “flight from vulnerability.”

Voice note users, she said, “don’t have to respond to the friction of someone else’s affect” if a disagreement comes up, for example, or an unexpected question.

“Voice notes are essentially no risk,” said Professor Turkle, who is also the author of “Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age.” “People are losing the capacity for empathetic conversations, which is how we connect with each other. We need to practice that. People are so worried about showing too much of themselves.”

It’s a fun thought experiment to take voice notes to an extreme. What if it was the only way we could communicate? What would we gain? What would we lose? I completely disagree that it is a flight from vulnerability as I’m a firm believer different mediums allow different aspects to come out. Someone can hear my voice crack when I speak about a difficult topic in a way that might require 3-5 minutes of talking for me to get to a place to feel. In the case of my loved ones, I also don’t listen until I’m in a place to be present (another reason I often don’t like phone calls because I often feel too introverted to give my full attention). With those I do voice notes often with, we often jot down quick notes, think deeply about questions we want to ask or follow up on, and really listen to the entire message. There is never a rush to respond nor a desired length. I’ve also found it gives space for the breadth of conflict, whether reflecting after the fact or to present difficult topics in a way that allows someone to take it in on their own terms/when they are ready.

I’ve read Sherry Turkle’s “Alone Together” book so I can understand where she’s coming from and highly recommend the book. I simply think it’s out of touch with how the tech can be used. Ultimately, that’s what this all comes down to is how you use it with others and what you agree to. Shall we forbid long email exchanges then too since they suffer from the same supposed problems described? I’d love to talk with her in depth about this.

For me, voice notes feel like a great equalizer and a way for me to have even greater depth with more folks that otherwise I wouldn’t have. It’s an opening and not a closing. A deepening medium rather than an avoidant one. An additional connection point to embrace rather than one that makes me feel further apart. Phone calls, unless I am incredibly close with you, are draining. Voice notes are not. If I opened the door to the number of folks who want to talk on the phone with me, I fear I would never get off the phone and I have already spent many, many, many hours of my life on the phone. My personal record: 14 hours in a 24 hour period aka the duration of a category 2 hurricane sweeping through Florida. I have paid my dues to the phone (remember the 14K text messages in roughly 2009/2010?). Voice notes give me the ability to both care for my introverted self and keep me connected to others. I think anyone struggling with mental health can understand that. In many cases, the options would be that I would only text with someone and, now, the options have expanded. It’s not uncommon for some of my friendships to be in person or text only with a few making the leap to phone calls thanks to the introduction of voice notes making it easier for us to call. In some cases something will start as a voice note then turn into a phone call. The opposite happens too! “Send me a voice note when you have time — I want to hear more”. My favorite is in the long pauses between responses to 20+ min audio messages getting a text from a pal saying “next time you record, I want to hear more about XYZ”. I can’t help but feel like my experience can’t be the exception to the rule, even as I do love to queer things.

Ultimately, I embrace nearly every medium: letter writing, emails, texts, voice notes, facetime, phone calls, zoom calls! I want to find what works and for some friendships, not all, voice notes have brought a richness to loved ones far away previously reserved for the very vulnerable written words we’d toss back and forth. Now, I just get to hear it in their own voice–my own personalized podcast from someone I love. On days when I can hardly get out of bed or out of the house, I’ll scroll through my phone, inevitably find a recent pal who has sent me an audio message (what I call them), curl up around my phone, and hit play. Suddenly, their words come to life and I find myself already with a list of follow up questions.