deeper into my bones

“An honourable human relationship—that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word “love”—is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. It is important to do this because in so doing we do justice to our own complexity. It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.”

Adrienne Rich

I love quotes and have long collected them, with a few in particular left rumbling around in my head. It’s part of what first drew me to tumblr and left me spending hours upon hours finding quotes to copy and paste into a Word doc I maintained. I often return to the one above when thinking both about how important sharing truths are in relationships and in how few people can “go that hard way with us”. In pulling it up to share with a friend today, I stumbled upon a fuller version that has left me nearly reeling with insights. I want to read in twenty times over in hopes it’ll soak deeper into my bones.

“In lying to others we end up lying to ourselves. We deny the importance of an event, or a person, and thus deprive ourselves of a part of our lives. Or we use one piece of the past or present to screen out another. Thus we lose faith even in our own lives. An honourable human relationship—that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word “love”—is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. It is important to do this because in so doing we do justice to our own complexity. It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us. It isn’t that to have an honourable relationship with you, I have to understand everything, or tell you everything at once, or that I can know, beforehand, everything I need to tell you. It means that most of the time I am eager, longing for the possibility of telling you. That these possibilities may seem frightening, but not destructive, to me. That I feel strong enough to hear your tentative and groping words. That we both know we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us. The possibility of life between us.”

Adrienne Rich

I keep wanting to pull out one specific line to verbally scream in joy about it but they each are so good that I must rely on the whole and demand you read it again. I’ve been thinking so much about this when faced with 10+ year relationships where I’m left confused or surprised in big or small ways. Many close to me will know the phrase “bring me with you” in those moments. It’s my way of saying “I’m not following but I want to go where you go or at least understand why you are going where you’re going”. It’s my way of wanting to go that hard way. I’m also learning very painfully how true the “so few people” reality is. What a gift it is to have others go with us and to want to go with us.