path wearing

How full can I fill this cup that is my life? There comes a point where the fullness overflows and feels more like loss. The overflowing underscoring how limited this time is—how futile it is to truly capture anything and how the glass is already broken. I still struggle to hold the glass of life in my hand without overly fixating on the brokenness that exists within it. The pendulum swings to be present are brutal and I feel it most nomading. In many ways, I want to feel it the most. It’s why for the last six months I’ve been gone more than “here” in Seattle, my homebase. I can’t quite name why I needed to be gone more than here. I needed it though. I have a tendency towards rigidity and I’ve made it (ironically) a rigid requirement to break that habit up. To a certain degree, I enjoy the blurring, the newness, the forced presentness that comes with trying to figure out how the hell to buy apples in Florence. It took me three tries and a very patient store worker to get it right. 

Life in Seattle feels far away and that far away-ness helps me choose it again. Perhaps that’s a part of what nomading offers me: a chance to be far away and return, deciding anew what I want my life to be and to see it all from a literal distance. I became obsessed with a new strawberry protein shake while in Seattle before this latest trip (it tastes like a milkshake, has a ton of protein, and 1 gram of sugar). I haven’t had a sip since I’ve been gone and I’m able to see how this attachment is so…situational. 

Even my work relationship is drastically different. I’ve traded early, demanding mornings for intense afternoons and late nights. Meanwhile my mornings are blissful—slowly wandering around with a cappuccino in hand. I’m ready to stay put more again as I look into the months ahead and see what those around me might need. I love being in touch with myself well enough to know when to shove a uniform-like set of clothes into a small backpack to go far away and, conversely, when to wear a path on a specific neighborhood walk, ideally with someone I love. Here’s to path wearing (for now).