gain them back

This week a childhood friend came through Seattle. We texted back and forth about where to go to dinner and, when I offered up a Roman restaurant (Rione XIII), the response was instant. We were going there. We both took Latin for 6 years and it felt imperative to pay homage to our roots. An inner nerd and self felt seen.

People in our lives reflect back to us both aspects of who we are and roles we embody. Who I am in relation to you shapes me. Depending on who I’m around, I’m adventurous or cautious. When I’m alone, those reflections remain as do my own thoughts of who I am at my core, away from it all.

I’m feeling the loss of some reflections in the last few years especially with long time friendships no longer present in my life along with my grandma’s death. I remember realizing after my grandma died that I would never be able to be looked at by another as a grandchild. That part of myself suddenly became harder to access. The same is true of lost long time friendships and the loss of understanding about one’s self with the many shortcuts to connection and understanding when one has seen you through something and vice versa. Lengthy retellings and reminders fall away when I’m talking to an older friend over someone newer. I don’t need to explain what high school was like when a person walked alongside me through it. Our shared memory bank of each other’s lives often results in poignant and needed insights as new situations arise. “You’ll find your way. Remember how you did last time?” It helps when the person you’re talking to knows the “last time” intimately.

I’ve only ever spent part of a day with my collection of half siblings. I know what it feels like to be a sibling, having grown up with a brother, but I didn’t know what it was like to be their sibling. I felt the decades of loss there as a another role I never could have imagined having came to life for a brief instant. I felt a sprout of myself come to the surface and freeze in place. Then there are those jarring moments where I struggle to see a new part of someone I’ve known for a long time and vice versa. The friend who always embodied being go with the flow suddenly refusing to budge on a specific spot for dinner. A big topic I used to be keen to chat to folks about now feels wildly more sensitive and reserved for a few, causing rifts with those I don’t want to delve into it all with. It’s a rare gift and hard work to really know someone as they change and you change.

I’ve been recovering from injuries nearly the last 6 months with a recent diagnosis of achilles tendinosis sidelining me for a bit further from playing soccer, hiking, backpacking, etc. Some of my usual athletic self is coming back and I felt it this week on my first 20 mile bike ride in six months and a particularly engaged yet still modified lifting session. I got into a flow, pushed myself, and felt a part of me reflected back in what I could do out in the world. Ah! I long to lace up my cleats, stretch, and slowly dribble around ahead of a pick up soccer match. 25+ years of playing and I can feel the longing in my bones. I fought hard to return to soccer with love after a soccer teammate’s traumatic accident made it hard to play at all for a number of years. I hold that part of myself close yet know it’s inherently temporary. I wonder about what new sport or hobby I should pick up that I can do for longer and build a similar soul pathway on (perhaps biking).

I can feel myself shifting and changing, with parts of myself I feel ever more keen to be close to. At what cost though? Perhaps it’s time to build more capacity around grieving and adapting to those lost reflections and connections than the emotional muscles to gain them back.