The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering. -Ben Okri

Someone asked me once what I am inspired most by being human. My answer – our capacity to heal . From the unimaginable stories of loss and tragedy to the countless love songs highlighting heartbreak, I see our capacity to heal everywhere. It may be one of the biggest reasons why I am fascinating by WWII. There are survivors who have continued doing just that – surviving against all odds. It’s incredible.

I’m heartbroken currently. Out of curiosity, I googled the definition. Can we talk about how the example sentence is “he was heartbroken at the thought of leaving the house”. What?! I can think of a lot better example sentences.

I’m trying to cope currently. I’m trying to figure out if I’m falling into depression or if I can escape it. Some thoughts I’ve had over the last couple of days:

  • Would you feel better if you got more sleep? Maybe you are just sleep deprived… or maybe I’m sleeping too much?!
  • Would exercising help? or should I spend that time meditating? Or wait! Writing? Crap.
  • I bet those candy bars everyday aren’t helping your mood… you are what you eat afterall.
  • It’s okay to be upset – just sit in bed and cry and watch netflix.
  • What are you doing sitting around?! There’s so much life left to live – Go outside! It’s gorgeous!
  • Be around people – it will even you out and help you be happy again.
  • Never see people again they only bring immense suffering.
  • Listen to sad music.
  • Listen to happy music.
  • Listen to your favorite music.
  • Listen to new music.
  • Blast crappy pop music that you know every word to and sing at the top of your lungs
  • Maybe if you stop drinking caffeine you will feel less intensity…. or you’ll just get a headache.

I think the problem for me is that I am trying to just not feel the pain when it’s all I’m feeling. It’s like being hungry and trying to not think about being hungry but all you do is feel that pit in your stomach.

“It gets better with time”

Objectively, I know this to be true. I’ve said it to other people many times. I’ve experienced time as a helper and healer. I get that this may be a truth but the problem is I’m not ready to get a move on. Time may help but I am stubbornly not wanting it to. I’m sure at some point I will want to begin healing but for right now I’m stuck on the part of creating my own suffering. Of putting salt in the wound.

I would love to see an MRI of my brain.

“Romantic love is an addiction. A perfectly wonderful addiction when it’s going well and a perfectly horrible addiction when it’s going poorly. Romantic love is one of the most addictive substances on earth.” – Helen Fisher

Sigh. One day at a time.

I love that we can overcome and transform our suffering. I love that we can be greater than it. I’m curious to see how this plays out in my own life. How I’m able to transform.

5 comments

  1. ❤️ hugs. please holler if you need anything, whether it’s an ear, a coffee date, or netflix recs — whatever.

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