holes have been left and holes have been filled. i have grown close to people i only once hoped to be close with. i am learning about myself. i am learning about life. i am thankful. bottom line. i am thankful that i am alive. i am thankful that i am at a wonderful university. i am thankful i am surrounded by the people i am. i am thankful that i am able to get a peek into their lives and share in their triumphs and downfalls. i want to make a difference. that is all. i just want to help. if my life helps one person i will be content. i want to be the light in the darkness. i want to be the helping hand. i want to be the random act of kindness that catches you off guard. i want to be the person to dry tears and create laughter. i just want to make a difference with this blessing of a life. on the days when i cant get out of bed. on the days when i struggle. on the days when the weight of the world shoves me to the ground. i want to rise and make my statement in this world and in the worlds of the people around me. it’s not that i want to be remembered. it’s not that i want recognition. i just want more happiness, peace, and love in this world. and damn it i mess up more times than i do things right but i’m trying. i am trying so very hard. i hope that this past year of my life shows that and i hope this next year of my life does as well. if i can do that, i will be happy with myself. if i can give the best i can. if i can be calm in the face of doubt. if i can stay positive when all seems hopeless. every day wont be that wonderful but i will cherish each day because it may be my last. i will grasp it with two hands and hold onto it so i wont get dragged back to yesterday with my memories of what was or propelled forward into tomorrow by my thoughts of what could be. i will rest triumphantly in today and attack it with all that i have. all that i am. and just hope and pray that i make a difference. and if today i am not enough then maybe life will shape me so tomorrow i will be.

Confession time: I have a secret/private blog on a different platform that I’ve written in since I was in 7th grade. The past 4 days have been emotionally grueling for a variety of reasons. I tried all the tricks I know to do to turn things around but it was like nothing could get through to me.  On a whim and out of options, I started writing everything that came to mind on this private blog just to get the thoughts out of my head and placed somewhere else. For some reason I thought that by writing them out it would give me peace. On the flip side, some could say writing them down only legitimizes them. Perspective is everything 😉

One thing led to another and I was reading over old entries. I searched for names of friends, events, places, etc. Somehow I ended up on the post this above excerpt is from – Monday, March 5, 2012. It was the day before I turned 19. I was young and melodramatic, sure.  I can nearly feel my intensity come off the page. In a strange turn of events, somehow my former self just helped my current self. This section in particular I reread:

i will rest triumphantly in today and attack it with all that i have. all that i am. and just hope and pray that i make a difference. and if today i am not enough then maybe life will shape me so tomorrow i will be.

& this is why you should write at your worst and not just at your best when the commas are all perfectly placed, i’s are dotted, t’s are crossed, and you know exactly what to say. Write when you don’t have a clue and one day looking back it’ll be exactly what you need to read.

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