A rare gift

“In this world of numbness and information overload, the ability to feel, my boy, is a rare gift indeed.” ― Patrick Ness

If you know me, it’s no surprise I am an incredibly intense person. I’ve spent most of my life trying to “manage” (for lack of a better term) it all but it inevitably spills out all around me.

“Anne – stop asking them so many questions.”

“It’s just a game, Anne.”

“You can just take care of it tomorrow – stop working on it.”

“It’s not that big of a deal, Anne.”

People have looked down on my intensity in the past and I have let them make me feel like I’m the weirdo for caring so much. They have made me self conscious about wanting to ask more questions, wanting to lose track of time bringing a project to completion, taking it serious when we don’t perform like we should, etc.

I’ve been working hard to make the edges of my intensity smooth – to try to fit all that’s being wrestled inside my head into a nice, beautiful, little box that presents nicely for others. A box that others would be willing to accept.

It’s exhausting to constantly hold back. You’d think I’d spend less energy letting go of my intensity but the opposite is true – it’s so engrained in me that I feel a constant pull back into myself.

I don’t feel this any longer. I’m leaning into this part of myself because I’m learning it’s one of the greatest strength I have. It carries into every aspect of who I am. I feel intensely – I love deeply. I have an incredible amount of focus in my intensity. I have loads of energy to offer. Giving into my intensity gives way to my curiousity and the two run wild together. I feel more like myself when my brain is going a million miles per minute and I can’t help but just ask whomever I’m talking to one… more… question.

I never thought my intensity would serve me as well as it has at work. Automattic has wholeheartedly embrace my intensity in a way that has challenged me to simply figure out the best use of it all. I don’t waste time holding back – I spend my days trying to keep up with my intensity and where it takes me.

The true joy that’s come of this is when I’ve found those that match my intensity. The conversations from the outside probably seem hurried, loud, and long. What they don’t see are our souls delighting together. We speak quickly because we know this passion is rare – we see too many people asleep and passive. “I found another one!” is the thought that goes through our minds. We hug when we depart despite just meeting each other. We swap book recommendations, we share secrets, we exchange struggles, we offer our own truths – we open up.

These moments are magical. I don’t always know if our paths will cross again but the whole point is that they did and we both left better for it. There doesn’t need to be a second crossing.

I revel in those crossings – I take note of them. I let them fill me up. I let it remind me to embrace this part of who I am.

I have no plans of slowing down.


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