In a fit of restlessness just moments ago, I forced myself to meditate. Thankfully, Headspace, the app I use to meditate, has a little pack on the exact topic. As I held space for myself and observed what I was feeling, I felt something I don’t quite know if I’ve ever felt before. Whereas I likely normally get stuck on the top layer of this feeling, it’s like I was given access for the first time to a deeper layer — a feeling beneath a feeling. At first, frustration dashed with impatience washed over me. I want to make the most of the day but don’t quite know how or what that means for me today in particular. Bigger picture, I’ve realized in the last couple of months this is likely due to my values existing outside of what most look to achieve – marriage, a house, kids, family, etc. This mismatch has been a bit confusing albeit freeing to navigate.
That initial frustration gave way to a lump in my throat and this feeling of fear mixed in with confusion. Have you ever been asked what your biggest fear is? I normally answer saying something about having someone close to me kill themselves. Even that answer is Other focused though and doesn’t really focus on my own personal fear outside of another person. Today I realized one of my biggest fears is living a meaningless existence. That’s what caused the lump in my throat and that’s what lives behind the restlessness and frustration. The irony is that I firmly believe we create our own meaning and that even our own creations are culturally relative. Thinking further, I think this is why I gravitate towards the myth of productivity as a means of adding value to the world. I forget sometimes that for most of my existence, I was trained to receive grades and be motivated by those grades to achieve more. As the years go on outside of the education system, I’m having to break down aspects of what I’ve adapted to and figure out what to keep. It’s unnerving how little of the entire system I want to hold onto.
Thinking a step further, I wonder how much of this is tied to being born through such sacrifice heavy means with surrogacy (monetarily, emotionally, physically). Do I feel a need to prove it was all worth it?
Time for me to force myself out of my apartment and into sunny San Diego. As I’ve learned with nomading, sometimes a change in scenery can drastically change your perspective even if it’s just a simple walk around the neighborhood.