still a part

I’ve been thinking about time and how it moves within this strange period of humanity we’re in. I have sharp memories of time moving differently throughout my life—I think we all do. Usually, life has a normal cadence to it. We perform our daily rituals and we adjust to the 40 hour work week with a weekend leftover like a blank slate for us to fill. Right now, I feel time pass in a novel way with the overarching daily panic and deeply limited days coalescing.

In college, a friend came to visit me who I have an extremely complicated history with to say the least. It was a trip that had the potential to hep us reset and learn each other anew in a different setting. Simply put, the trip hadn’t gone as planned and I found myself driving her to the airport with the trip coming to an end. As I drove, I felt time in a way I hadn’t before. I could speed up her departure by driving faster. I could delay it just the same. Time felt within my grasp and I became deeply aware of how my actions impacted it. I drove exactly the speed limit incapable of deciding what to do.

Time seems to be acting on me these days—slowing down and speeding up without warning. I instituted a rule this weekend to not allow any screen time (beyond zooming with loves ones, streaming fitness classes, or responding to texts) until 5pm each day to help ground me. Thus far, it’s working and I will likely adopt this going forward.

I fear rushing through these days just as I do stewing in them. I’ve experienced both but not willingly. I realize it only after the day has come and gone. These days, albeit limited and strange, are still a part of my precious human life and I intend to find ways to cherish them. To start, I must wake up to time passing! I must change my worldly adventures to adventures in food, my mind, my conversations. I must nomad around my neighborhood. I must lifechat over zoom and think of internet failures as if it were the wind blowing away my loved one’s words offering me a chance to ask, “I missed those lovely words. Can you repeat them for me?” I’ll listen as I always have.