too many places

It’s my last day in San Diego for at least the coming 6 months of my life. I paused more than I usually do to look around, breath a bit deeper, and take in one more palm tree. It was overcast all day today. I joked to myself that it was either San Diego forcing my hand to tempt me back for a final sunny day or the city mourning my departure!

I returned to San Diego 2 years ago after a 6 month “full time” nomading spree (aka sans homebase). I drove straight from Moab, Utah here catching the sunrise in the morning in the desert and making it to the beaches in San Diego for the sunset. It feels fitting that I’ll head off tomorrow with my car tetris packed back to Utah. It only hit me today the circumstances of my return and soon to be departure.

The truth is that I don’t know if I’ll be back here and that scares me. Returning to known places feels lovely to me – like a big hug from a friend. Never returning feels like a death. Our memories are so wrapped up in the physical realm that I know if I don’t return there are memories that will never be sparked again. At the same time, I know deeply the power of situations to change a person and am excited to see what parts of myself I spend more time with while I live in Utah.

Especially in the time of COVID, what truly weighs my heart down is the fear of how long it’ll be before I see some of my loved ones living here again. I take hope in thinking of future loved ones in Utah that will make it hard to leave once more! What a lucky problem to have — too many loved ones in too many places.

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