never know

I was off caffeine, away from wifi, and on top of mountains for most of the last few days. I caught myself whispering aloud to my very dead grandma on some of these glorious hikes. It was all so beautiful that I found myself wondering what I might try to say in a postcard or letter. While my dad would show her the photos, how would I convey what I’m feeling in this instant? In the midst of one of these moments, I realized she died without knowing I moved to Seattle. These “firsts” after a loved one dies are commonly discussed and I’m always struck but what feels worthy of noting for her and what leads to a new bout of grief as a result. For some reason, I wish I could share my enthusiasm with her about living in Seattle. I wish I could tell her about my apartment. I wish I could tell her about how I’m using her silver (which makes no sense). I wish I could tell her about books I’m reading and I wish I knew what she was reading. I wish I could tell her about my bike rides (I whisper to her then sometimes too). Sometimes I find myself turning her rings around my thumbs as if to stir or summon her. Sometimes I raise them up to the view as if she is inside the rings and I want to make sure she has a good view.

She’ll never know I moved to Seattle. Tears form at the thought.


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2 responses to “never know”

  1. We may view your Grandma passing from different perspectives. From my view, your Grandma knows, and more importantly, I would suggest she is on the trail with you, enjoying the adventure alongside you.

    Keep talking, sharing, and keep using her silver. She appreciates it all and needs your engagement just as much as you need Her. It’s all good…🐶🤗

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