life I have today

I’m at my parents’ house this week and, with that, comes the shadows and even physical items of former selves. There’s the oversized soccer trophy from a tournament I no longer remember much of that’s stood guard on my built-in desk ever since I proudly brought it home. There’s the bright pink hoodie I’m currently wearing from both the end of high school and college. I was known for wearing hoodies at school, partially because it allowed me to be out of dress code in middle school and high school without getting into trouble. I hated the stiff, tight shirts that all girls seemed required to wear and opted for a t-shirt most days instead, with one of two hoodies thrown on top. It also helped me hide a bit more.

There are countless books, like My Father’s Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett, that I remember loving as a kid. There are notes shoved in drawers that I passed between friends during class. There are old phones, including one with a T9 keyboard that, to this day, I wish I could switch back to. I could text so quickly and easily barely needing to even look at my phone once I got the hang of it. It makes texting on an iPhone feel cumbersome to me still. It also led to me sending 14,000+ text in a month to the disbelief of my dad who understandably made me pay for the extra charges he got.

Eye glasses from each of my grandmothers sit on a shelf together. I snagged them both after they died years apart. As someone who needs contacts/glasses, there was something particularly every day and intimate about keeping theirs. I loved the idea of keeping something they both used and probably didn’t think much of, compared to a painting or a piece of furniture they valued. I think it was also a symbolic way for me to try to see life as they did.

The laptop I used in college is here, shoved in a cubby covered in stickers and an old blue protection case. I used it when I was on trial for Automattic (happy birthday, Matt!) and remembered how panicked I was that the computer would stop working, ruining my chances. I’d listen to the fan go into overdrive and watch my cursor freeze, willing it to keep going so I could show the hiring team that I could do the job. Please just let me do the work. I remember one particular text based chat with the hiring folks when it froze and tears streamed down my face as I tried desperately to type a response. When I later worked on hiring for Automattic, I wondered how many people were in similar boats or worse. I would frame that laptop if I could. It got me through so much and held on.

On the headboard of my bed, I printed out and taped the following quote at some point in high school during a time when I really didn’t want to exist at all.

“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

The Dalai Lama

As an adult later, this turned into having my morning alarm on and off titled, “Precious human life”, as a reminder.

I have two posters of Michelle Akers, both signed, with one boldly quoting Bear Bryant, the football coach, saying “There’s no substitute for guts.” Just underneath the quote, Michelle runs full force covered in dirt in a baggy uniform probably handed down from the men’s team. That poster hangs right by my door and I cannot imagine how much seeing that image on a daily basis strove me to try harder and be braver.

This museum of mine is so strange to behold considering how, as an adult, I’ve been diligent to get rid of as much stuff as I can. What will remain from this time I’m living in today that I can pick up and touch and remember? While photos are powerful, things have a magical quality to them. It’s part of why I’m so careful with what I keep, knowing how much of a hold it can all have on me. At the same time, perhaps I need to consider what I do want to keep more than I have been, the emphasis always being on what to give away or refrain from snagging to begin with.

I pulled this bright pink past-filled hoodie on today to go on a long walk with a newer friend around familiar landscapes and felt my old self close. I didn’t realize it but I had missed her. She had guts. She knew early what a precious life this was. She was the one who chose the things that influenced me into the life I have today.