Sabbatical II: 3 months

Similar thoughts have washed over me at the end of this sabbatical that hit me during the last: the way I want to spend my time persists, with or without sabbatical land, and “will I ever be as productive as I was before this?”. I remember towards the end of my first sabbatical writing a note in my phone to capture some of my sabbatical headspace hoping I could keep it going when I returned to work and hoping I could sustainably be changed by the time off. This second sabbatical is a testament to the effort I put in to make that true after my first sabbatical. At the same time, there’s of course a magic to a sabbatical, especially being so young and especially in this economy. Where I’ve had friends have time without work, it’s come with the mounting intense pressure to find another job and the financial concerns within that. It’s an incredible gift to have this much paid time off as part of my job at Automattic. I only hope I’ve paid it forward to those around me in my actions and that I can once more be changed by this time off.

One of the biggest days of my life happened in this last month when I finally met someone in person who was born through traditional surrogacy. It’s astounding the amount of healing that can happen when you’re able to talk with someone who gets it and treats the most sensitive/vulnerable/painful part of your soul with nuanced care. I drove up to Vancouver, Canada to make it happen and had to spill my guts to the border agent after I said I was meeting a friend for lunch and she asked me if I had met this friend before. Of course, my answer was “no” and the grilling began. To make matters worse, I had forgotten that I had been to Canada last summer for my partner’s birthday as we went by boat to Victoria and going by boat threw me off. “This is very niche”, she finally said after I tried my best to concisely explain the circumstances. She made me repeat surrogacy-stories.com numerous times, likely trying to catch me in a lie, as I explained that’s how this person found me. She finally let me in and I both breathed a sigh of relief and my anxiety spiked.

We met for lunch at a spot I went to almost exactly a decade ago when I was in Canada for the 2015 Women’s World Cup. I arrived early and tried my best to calm down. We spent the next 2.5 hours talking incessantly, to the point of nearly forgetting to look at the menu to order and the entire restaurant emptying out with just us remaining. To have someone else born through traditional surrogacy to talk to in the flesh and to have them be queer has made it all so meaningful. In the week that followed, I found myself able to sit with digging into surrogacy differently, write about it more, and even order a book they recommended. I feel an inner stability around my lived experience I didn’t have before and a sharp feeling of no longer being alone in this. Before we parted, we talked about how hard it’s been to hold on and they remarked how we’ll likely find some of us didn’t make it. After holding it together for the entire interaction, tears finally flowed for both of us. I left feeling a renewed purpose for writing about my experiences being born through surrogacy and speaking out about it, even as folks get defensive, take issue with it, make it about their fertility issues, etc. My aim is community for those of us who want and need it in this space. My aim is to help make this lived experience more livable for others and for myself. I don’t have words for more but I know I am changed by meeting them and I hope I can pay it forward.

This last month has been full of beautiful adventures into nature with a bikepacking trip with Kelly and my partner, who drove out to meet us; a solo camping trip with my first real hike in over a year and a half to Heather Lake; a retreat of sorts with my partner to North Bend, complete with multiple hammock-powered naps; a semi-rainy day trip into the Middle Fork area with a best friend who was in town visiting; and various daily excursions outside by bike and on foot (including two 30 mile bike rides for the first time in a long time). On Friday, I drove out to Wallace Falls State Park to repeat a hike I did when I first moved here that made me fall even more in love with this area. I can’t wait for summer and keep joking that it already is here as my partner and I start to eat as many dinneres as we can outside picnic style.

Part of both sabbaticals was aimed at doing something I’d be happy I did 20 years from now. This has shown up in a few ways for me this last month including going to a wellness medicine doctor at the recommendation of my Uncle and getting a ton of blood work done, doing a wilderness first aid training, continuing to step back from caffeine, drinking a ton more water, and finally stepping back from my sugar intake. My blood work didn’t come back like I expected and it’s been both a shock and a motivator to shift some habits I have for the longevity of my body. This aspect I worry most about when returning to work tomorrow but I’m also relieved I have a few weeks under my belt of better habits to buttress the stress that will inevitably arrive. In many ways, I’m excited to also address some of what was found with the doctor when I meet with her next and to be proactive with my health in this way. At the same time, I’m still dealing with some gnarly calf issues that might point to chronic exertional compartment syndrome based on what an ortho told me in March. I decided to feel out how hiking would go this month and, after having a rough time with calf tightness on what were previously easy hikes, starting tomorrow I’m diving in deep to figure out what on earth is going on. If it is chronic exertional compartment syndrome, I’ll likely need surgery on both legs. Big sigh but we’ll see. In any case, I’m relieved I’ve prioritized my health so much this last time. Finances were more of a focus during the first sabbatical and it’s been huge to see how much that helped in the subsequent years. I am hoping the same for my health.

At the start of April, I set out to have these as daily routines:

• Meditate
• Fill out my line a day journal (it’s a five year journal and I can get lazy with doing it daily).
• Mess with AI for 30-60 minutes (set a timer). This is purely to keep me sharp for work.
• Read for an hour. Audiobooks count.
• Go outside (even just a small walk).
• Move my body (hiking, cycling, lifting, walking, dribbling).
• Stretch and do some mobility exercises for 10 minutes.

The hardest one I found was messing with AI in a code specific way. I’d end up either rabbit holing for four hours or not wanting to start the rabbit hole just yet. It reminded me how limited daily habits should be as so few things are meant to be day to day consistent. Life is simply not that easy to plan for and I’d rather be with where I am that day than force a list upon myself regardless of circumstances. On the flip side, going outside, moving my body, stretching, filling out my line a day, etc all felt so seamless. That’s clearly more of where my soul is drawn.

My nomad senses have been tingling for a bit and I made the decision a few months ago to get rid of my expensive apartment in order to be a bit freer for a time. This conversation evolved with my partner into my moving in for six months with her and going from there. We’ve always had a beautiful understanding of shared resources and have never seen “moving in” as a milestone to reach. Instead, we see this time moving in together as a chance to see new sides of each other and to save money both for retirement and for more adventures in the year to come. I’m already hoping to spend a month in San Diego rather than just two weeks next winter and greatly reducing my cost of rent (I’ll pay basically a third of what I’m paying now) helps make that an even easier choice to do. I never thought I’d be with someone who would get this minimalistic, nomad-y side of me and embrace it so easily, as long as she can join in on some of the fun. We celebrated our “official” two year anniversary this last month and, as we always say to each other, “more! more! more!”. I can’t wait to see how we continue to evolve with each other and am already plotting a 3-4 month stay deeper into nature next summer.

As work returns to my reality tomorrow, I am also realizing how much of a blank slate I’m going to be met with. My paid WordPress contribution hours were cut but I still want to find ways to contribute and I’m keen to see how I can be changed by the perspective of one who cannot do this work full time. If you’re in the WordPress space reading this, leave a comment about what you think might be helpful for me to dig into. What’s on my mind now is spending time triaging more intentionally. Internally, I have a new role working in a brand new division on a new team and none of the work I was doing before my sabbatical remains for me to pick back up. Ironically, my first sabbatical was like this–I was on a nine month rotation with our developer hiring team when I left and I didn’t have a clear next step when I came back. Once I can get over the discomfort of the unknown, a blank slate is pretty darn cool, especially when I’ve been at the same company for over a decade. It’s left me wondering what I can do differently and how I can continue to evolve, especially in light of recent layoffs. Having worked here for so long, it’s hard not to feel personally responsible to prevent any future layoffs and that headspace is what I’m bringing into my return to work. More than that though, I don’t just want survival. I want the folks I work with to truly thrive and buzz with creativity, collaboration, and confidence. I want the same for those 281 people I no longer work with so please hit me up if you want to be connected to highly talented folks or if you have any opportunities I can pass on.

Driving back Friday from the hike, I listened and responded to various audio messages from different friends. This morning I spent it on a call with my “Chronic Comrades”, a collection of loved ones with chronic issues. Over the last few weeks, I’ve returned to shooting off random texts when I think of someone in my life. It hasn’t all been good friendship feelings unfortunately and I feel heartbroken as a I write that. At the same time, I can feel all the ways I have so much capacity for those I love and how much I want to preserve that for those relationships that are loving, reciprocal, and challenge me in ways that I need. I leave this sabbatical feeling more like me: more curious, intentional, aware, secure, and in touch with those around me and all that swirls within me. Five years from now what do I hope for when I look back on this? I hope I am softer in all the needed places. I hope I am deeply present with life as it is and with those around me. I hope I am giving back more and more. I hope my intentionality is being applied towards all aspects of my life (health, finances, friendships, travel, etc). I hope I’ve made strides with meeting more people born through surrogacy and creating moments of healing for myself and others. I hope I protect my sensitive, curious nature and don’t let it flame out in the wrong direction or get trampled by others. I hope I’m a slow burn rather than a quick flame.

In true return-to-work fashion, I found a bug while writing this post: HEIC images aren’t automatically being converted to JPEG when I drag/drop images in! I’ve opened a few since I’ve been gone so let’s see how quickly we can get this one fixed.