For a fuller view of my writing beyond my recent posts, dive in below and peruse as much or as little as you’d like. I write about a wide range of topics from WordPress to Surrogacy to Photography to Mental Health. Don’t follow me if you want to only hear about a certain topic as I write based on what comes up for me in that moment of time. As always, thanks for reading.
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The life you’ve imagined
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” ― Henry David Thoreau Have you ever heard that quote? I always loved it – a simple message about being genuine and true. I’ve come to find it disorienting in recent years though. I didn’t imagine the life I’m living. I didn’t imagine I would be sitting on a bench in Switzerland watching the sunset. I didn’t imagine I’d be working in tech. I didn’t imagine this life at all. When I read this quote…
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invisibility cloak
I chopped my hair off. I remember fantasizing as a young girl watching my brother and his friends play baseball – why can’t my hair be like that? I had a bob then but I can still vividly tap into that memory of wanting it all off. Over the last 2 years or so, I started a running joke with different friends about a “public art” idea where just one more guy would hit on me aggressively and I would quickly pull out clippers beginning to shave my head while saying, “You think this is pretty?! YOU CAN HAVE IT!” For…
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palate cleanser
Coming off of round after round of audio tours with too much information, miniature sized font descriptions that don’t do a piece of art justice, and gorgeous sights like La Sagrada Familia, my brain and my little heart were tired by the time Friday hit. I had maxed out my capacity to take in that specific type of beauty. I was reading descriptions but not taking in new information. I was staring at masterpieces and having to work hard to take in what was in front of me. I had to replay audio guides to make sure I heard the…
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The leftovers
I was walking with my mom around Lisbon today without a destination in mind. I’ve been here for nearly two weeks and was soaking up the beautiful sun after experiencing more rainy days here. We have seen so much of the city and beyond that it was fantastic just to connect with the energy, sounds, and sights in a more open ended way. I was in a really good, calm mood without many intense thoughts (rare for me). We were walking along Liberty Avenue when I saw a coffee shop up ahead. As I paused to squint at the Portuguese…
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25
March 6, 2018 12:04am I can feel 25 years of life dancing between my fingers. It feels new and strong – like it can be trusted. I choose to trust it. It feels electric. 24 is ready to be retired. 24 never quite fit me – I didn’t pay much attention to it. It was a cocoon year where I burrowed deep within myself and stumbled my way through to what normalcy meant to me. Thankfully, the dark and scary parts of my life feel known now. I’ve memorized their features as I would a lover. I enter 25 feeling…
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How to connect them
May 15, 2016 – Personal & Private Blog I think im going to go to san diego and live there for 6 months. May 23, 2016 – Personal & Private Blog I’m going to move to san diego. I just randomly decided this. It’s near my birthmom. I can drive and get to know her. It’s sunny. It’s gorgeous with plenty of roadtrip opportunities. There’s a big soccer meetup community. I think I could make a life there – for a time at least. I need stability. March 1st, 2018 8:18 PM I spent the day at Hawthorn coffee. God I love…
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Lost time
It had been 5 years since two of my friends from high school had seen each other. I saw both of them multiple times over the years separately but always felt like something was missing when I’d see one of them without the other. They were a duo in high school and seeing them apart for so long made my heart ache. It felt like two family members who were refusing to talk to one another – I just wanted us all to be a family once more. Over the last year, I’ve openly plotted a reunion half-jokingly playing both…
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Brave
I’ve had people call me brave recently and it makes me smirk. I twinge hearing it – how bold and brave I am. I don’t feel it. This week I was afraid to get out of my car and take pictures of the gorgeous sunset. I began calling people until I reached my mom who talked to me for 45 minutes while I captured some shots including this one which I love: On Monday, I had soccer just like I always do. The game was at 6:50pm and by 4pm the nerves kicked in. I was panicked. This is a…
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Something marvelous
I saw something marvelous today. I dragged myself to Mission Beach in San Diego for my nightly walk after work. I was wiped out nearly confused about how I even managed to get my body to commit to this simple task when out of nowhere I saw a 50ish year old woman SPRINTING – full on, whole heartedly sprinting. Amongst the meandering, skateboarding San Diegans, this woman soared. I recognized the look on her face. If I had to guess, she wasn’t sprinting to beat a time or prepare for a race. She was sprinting to feel and to feel…
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Flat Tire
I was headed to Friday soccer midday when I suddenly got a warning in the middle console of my little minicooper. The day prior I had been in to get my tire pressure adjusted and when I found this new error related to the same thing, I immediately eye rolled assuming the tech had gone haywire. I was nearly to the field in any case and decided to keep going despite the warnings to “Slow down and pull over”. A few minutes later when I arrived at the field, I jumped out to check the tire. Turns out some technology…
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Doesn’t take much
I chase sunsets regularly. I figure if I’m going to live on the West Coast that I nearly have a duty to appreciate as many sunsets as possible. I was thrilled on Saturday when the forecast showed a solid sign that we’d have a gorgeous sunset. After driving to Mission Beach only to find hoards of people, I adjusted and headed to Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery. I knew it would be a quiet spot to catch the sunset as so many people avoid cemeteries and graveyards. I’ve always loved them for the way they can quickly center and calm you.…
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Observing
I just bought a nice camera – aka I have upgraded from just using the camera on my phone. I was so excited to get it and to start taking picture that I didn’t consider how I might feel taking pictures now that it was so obvious that that was what I was doing. I am used to being able to observe and photograph without interruption or notice. Suddenly, I became incredibly self aware as soon as I had that camera around my neck. I immediately felt apologetic and awkward. I didn’t feel comfortable with this thing in my hand. I didn’t want…
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See what happens
“We are constantly trying to hold it all together. If you really want to see why you do things, then don’t do them and see what happens.” ― Michael A. Singer This quote struck me when I read it. I must have re-read it three or four times before I moved on only to scroll back on my phone to jot it down. This sentiment has been expressed to me often in my life. “What would happen if you let that project fail? What would happen if you let that person fail? What would happen if you stop making the effort…
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decision making
One would assume that when you are at your best, you make the best decisions. I’m finding this is unfortunately not true for me. Oh how I wish it were! In the same way you shouldn’t make decisions when you are at your worst, when I am at my best there are always unforeseen consequences. I must find the in between – the pause in the extremes. It is then that I truly make the best decisions that my best self can follow through on and my worst self can weather. When at my best, I feel I can take on…
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I build it anyway
The concise version: Honesty is hard – really hard – but it’s what we should offer each other. It’s the only way to truly progress and live authentically. Reconnecting with old friends matters – make time for it. Spending time enhancing your day to day happiness is more high impact than planning a Big Thing to make yourself happy. There are so. many. ways. to. love. people. Always opt towards loving. Let go of people of self centered people who only speak of themselves and make room for other more lovely people. I’ve been through worse. The rambling version This year…
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GOAAAAAAAALS
I loathe reading work or leadership related books. I don’t truly know why – I think it’s because it feels very arrogant and gimmicky. It reminds me of my very religious days growing up. We humans love to tell other humans what to do. Anyway, this is not the point of this post. This book I’m reading right now keeps talking about the things that stand in the way of people reaching their goals. It’s throwing out the very classic pop psychology principles, talking about the neocortex, basic evolutionary events, blah blah. Midway through rolling my eyes, it struck me…
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spill
“In this world of numbness and information overload, the ability to feel, my boy, is a rare gift indeed.” ― Patrick Ness I return to this quote again and again in my life. At times, I am envious of those who can bottle up how they feel and store it away likely never to bring it up again. I have many hushed conversations after a few drinks with those same folks where how they feel sometimes starts to seep out only for those memories, feelings, etc. to be bottled up quite efficiently before it all pours out of them. It usually…
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Free baby, 12 cents
[Mom says she is a surrogate baby.] At first I thought I was adopted, when I was 2 I thought, “I don’t look like either of them”. I really feel like I might have been adopted because I’m the only one in the 2nd grade who’s a surrogate baby. [O: she is baffled by the logistics of it, but more by the feeling that she is different which means she might not be loved.] First I thought they didn’t care about me when I broke my arm, because for a couple of seconds they didn’t react. I don’t get why…
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out of thin air
How tied are you to your username? By username, I mean any username on any platform. Would you change it? I have a very silly and short poll if you are willing: I have a friend who changes her instagram username constantly (or so it seems like it). When everyone else sticks to their username till death do them part, she changes hers to outrageous and funny new ones. Previous examples that I can remember: promstar – nearly marked her as spam as it looks like something else lil_miss_nauseous – see above ^ smileprettygirl – based off of the creepy…
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Solid career questions to ask team members
Here’s a quick and boring post about career questions. As a lead at Automattic, I think a lot about the career development of my team members. As a lover of questions, I’ve found the following ones to be exceptionally useful and I’ll add a little bit about why below each: What does job satisfaction mean to you? Automattic is a company full of folks from all over the world. Just on my team, I have folks from 6 different countries! I’ve learned loads from this including not shoving my Western, Americanized standards of what job satisfaction is onto others. So many…
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Things you shouldn’t know how to do
They should make things like nachos and cookie dough harder to make. I’ll never forget the day I realized just how EASY it was to make cookie dough. When my parents would go out of town, I’d quickly make it and eat it raw. It’s a danger to the world to have these things be so easy to make (but mostly just to me). In related news, I made nachos for lunch: WAY TOO EASY.
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overlapping realities
I went to walk by the beach and watch the sunset tonight. I normally wear headphones majority of the time partially not to be talked to and partially because it helps get me in a deeper state of thought. As the sun got ready for her evening show, I settled on a quiet spot along the small concrete wall separating the walkway and the beach. I took my headphones out and took in the sound of the waves relentlessly crashing. Behind me, people would pass by – some faster than others depending on their mode of transportation. I only would…
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Permanently compromised
The last few days I’ve looked around my sparse apartment and have been contemplating in my head what exactly I can throw away. Just a few moments ago I was walking around throwing small items in the trash until I’d come across something related to taxes or my lease or an old computer that I can’t get rid of. I want to get rid of those things. I have postcards from loved ones that I want to throw away but can’t bring myself to just yet. Throwing away postcards reminds me too much of my grannie. She basically took trash…
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Ghost ships
I’ve referenced this Dear Sugar column twice now in the last 24 hours which is likely a sign I need to blog about it. Namely, this part: “If I could go back in time I’d make the same choice in a snap. And yet, there remains my sister life. All the other things I could have done instead. I wouldn’t know what I couldn’t know until I became a mom, and so I’m certain there are things I don’t know because I can’t know because I did. Who would I have nurtured had I not been nurturing my two children…
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Google-able
I was heading home the other night when I found my exit was closed for construction. “No big deal, I’ll just take the next one and loop back.” The next exit was closed. This pushed me into another freeway that I eventually had to loop back on only to find the same exits were closed coming back the other direction too. The entire time Google Maps was telling me very patiently to “Take exit 12”. When I passed it once more, Google just wanted me to u-turn eventually leading me back to square 1. Without revealing my location in this…
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You could be pretty if you tried
I’ve been trying to write this post for two years. It hits something deep, pervasive, and almost too overwhelming to try to write down so I start and stop in fits of anger and sadness. “You could be pretty if you tried” The above quote is something that was said to me when I was in 7th grade. The person who said it was an 8th grade and, honestly, she probably doesn’t even remember it because this was probably a normal thing for her to say to someone like me. I never cared much for what I wore growing up. If…
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Lean towards action
“Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music – the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.”― Henry Miller How on earth do you choose where to make an impact when the world is brimming with opportunities? I went into my favorite local coffee shop today and asked one of my newly favorite questions to some of my favorite baristas: If you could live multiple lives, what other lives would you live? I love people’s answers to this because it hits at the core of some…
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If you need a laugh
There are a couple of SNL characters that never fail to crack me up. Stefon and Penelope are the main two: More Penelope skits on NBC here. If I had to pick one, I’d say Penelope wins out 😀
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Friend response times
In support/happiness, we speak often of response times. The gist is how long it takes to reply to someone. There are variations of course: Time to First Response, Time to Resolution, etc. In the same breath, we talk about quality and how important it is to provide a quality reply not just a quick one. Right now, I’m trying to clear out my email inbox and my text messages. I have become a shitty real life message responder as responding to people becomes more of my day to day. I describe it to friends as “Let’s pen pal, alright?”. I…
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Squiggles
I don’t remember who I was having the deep conversation with – I tend to repeat ideas and concepts I’m contemplating across many many many conversations with anyone who will engage. It helps me refine the idea as well as get it out of my head. This is when it helps to have friends from all walks of life as you can just keep bouncing the same general concept across all of them without them talking to each other and being like “Dear god, Anne, you’ve talked to all of us about the same damn thing! We get it!” 😉 The…
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