For a fuller view of my writing beyond my recent posts, dive in below and peruse as much or as little as you’d like. I write about a wide range of topics from WordPress to Surrogacy to Photography to Mental Health. Don’t follow me if you want to only hear about a certain topic as I write based on what comes up for me in that moment of time. As always, thanks for reading.
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My eyes have seen
I did the Trial of Ten Falls Loop today. It was so green – it reminded me of Ireland. On days like today, I’m overwhelmed by how much my eyes have seen in such a short lifespan. I feel so absurdly lucky. I kept looking up and around trying to take in every inch of it all no matter how tall the redwoods were. It reminds me of a poem my grannie wrote that I discovered after she died. In it, she talks about donating parts of her body to science and to others. She expresses how she’s happy to…
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Seeking out notifications
I deactivated instagram last week. I don’t quite remember why. I think someone had told me a few days prior that instagram could be deactivated. For some reason, I wasn’t aware and immediately was intrigued. In the last year, I’ve started deleting the instagram app from my phone. One week, I deleted Instagram and the News app from my phone only to see a 40% reduction in time spent staring at my device. I was baffled at how such small changes could result in such big results. I’ve noticed something odd having removed Instagram and the News app though. I…
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pause rather than panic
In the last two years or so, I’ve had some intense moments of misinterpretation and misunderstanding. It’s mainly happened with strangers or people who don’t know me all that well but it’s stuck with me. One person interpreted my nomading as escapism and avoidance of connecting with loved ones….. while I was on a trip to see loved ones including one they met?! They were so convinced they were right and I left completely baffled. In debriefing with my friend about it, he immediately laughed and couldn’t believe I paid any attention to it. I didn’t find it funny. For…
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Fail more
I realized recently that I’m the tiniest bit afraid to fail even if I’m all by myself. This startled me to realize. What a waste?! What am I preventing myself from doing? I wonder if this has manifested itself partially as a result of working from home in isolation. After all, even when I’m all by myself working each day, I’m still putting myself out there with my work risking failure. Does this mental state then bleed into everything I do alone? I’m not sure but I’ve decided I need to start succeeding at failing more often. I wish I…
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Tasted better
The more I travel, the more I crave bringing others with me. I write this as I sit alone in a hotel room in Thailand — a wonderful escape. The problem is I keep looking out at the views thinking about those who I want to be here with me. Luckily, I landed in Thailand because of a work trip with the current team I’m on so I’ve been able to marvel alongside others (even though we spent most of the time in a meeting room working hard). I feel this way about many aspects of life. I had this…
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Consent & Emotional Intimacy
Recently, I had a marathon of a lifechat running through to 4am with someone I don’t see often. When I finally curled up to go to bed, I could hardly sleep as my mind raced to process all of the new insights, connections, and questions. Lifechats leave me on a high of sorts that’s impossible to replicate. The next day, I assumed incorrectly that the other person felt the same. As we texted, it became clear that wasn’t the case. They were filled with regret around their answers, wished they had had more time to ask me questions, and generally…
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Embrace the medium
I realized something about myself today that felt worthy of some quick life documentation. I do tasks that should slow you down quickly. I’ll write letters to other people but rather than taking my time I’ll scribble furiously usually without many breaks between letters. It all just comes flooding out. I’ll make bread but do it rapidly with great concentration. I’ll go to take pictures and end up nearly running around snapping every shot I can imagine. These tasks that should make me slow down somehow make me speed up with excitement and focus. It’s as if the act of…
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26
I write this as my body struggles to keep up with my recent surge of intensity and intentionality. I spent the weekend in San Francisco surrounded by queer people in the Castro District at the Lesbians Who Tech Summit. I depleted myself entirely using up every word, every smile, every question that came across my lips. I poured myself out and then scrapped the bottom of the barrel of my soul in case there was more to offer up. I was so fully alive in such force the last few days of 25. I connected deeply with coworkers turned friends…
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Retreat
Some of my favorite movies are war movies. From a young age thanks to movies like “The Patriot”, I gained an appreciation for the power of the retreat and how it can be used to actually maintain strength. I’ve retreated these last few days growing quiet externally while my internal dialogue rages on. Without full awareness, I found my subconscious building up my defenses and attempting to hide me away. “Ooohhh this is actually nice!”, my conscious self went along. I deleted instagram last week from my phone along with the news app. At the time, I didn’t realize I…
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Capacity for life
I’ve made my bed more times in the last few weeks than I have in likely the last few years. I’m proactive about things like laundry, trash, running the dishwasher, and vacuuming my room. I’m reading books I had nearly forgotten about. I’m not mass cooking meals and am instead going to the grocery store every couple of days to figure out what new thing I can cook. I’m regularly making bread from scratch. I haven’t had any candy in a week. I’ve been seeking out happy songs that I love to jam to. I pull the blinds up for…
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Expanding definitions
I’ve recently been stuck on this concept of expanding definitions. It’s very much a situation of “I have a hammer [of a concept] and everything is a nail [aka fits into the concept]”. I’m realizing how much freer life is the more you expand definitions of things. Family. Marriage. Health. Happiness. Accomplishment. These massive concepts gloriously explode when you loosen the chains of their definitions. I’ve been thinking about this more as I try to wrap my head around how best to write a book on surrogacy. I have more half started paragraphs than fully formed ideas than I care…
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the life I already have
In just over 9 months, I’ll start a paid 3 month sabbatical from work. I’m in the process of narrowing down how I want to spend it. I want it to be meaningful, intentional, and in some way allowing me to experience the world in a way I normally can’t. Thus far, I have a few different ideas for how to spend this time: Build a tiny home and find a city to live. Write the bulk of a book I am working on. Travel, travel, travel. Spend as much time outdoors as possible in beautiful locations. Do a tour of…
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goldilocks’ dream
https://twitter.com/nayyirahwaheed/status/1063463229039542272 I sometimes long for the day when I’m “just right” – Goldilocks’ dream. I imagine we all feel that way as we oscillate between extremes. I find myself often on the “too much” side bewildered over how I got there. Again. One of my favorite things to do these days is to ask someone who is very different from me to share what it’s like being them. For example, I’ll ask extroverts what it’s like being extroverts. How do you plan your days as an extrovert? What does it look like for you if you need to recharge? How…
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Strangers & Staring
I have a sabbatical next year for 3 months. 3 glorious months of no work and, right now, no plans. Recently, the idea of spending as much time as possible outdoors has crossed my mind. Nature fills me up and centers me so spending as much time within it seems ideal. There’s a catch though when I look up travel destinations due to being a queer woman. For example, when I was planning a trip partially to Spain and Portugal last year a friend suggested I visit Morocco. It made sense being so close to Spain to take a quick…
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As close as we can
My card got declined today while grocery shopping. It was ironic as I have been “home” in San Diego for an extended period of time yet still somehow managed to set off alarm bells with some bot overlord in charge of tracing fraudulent activity. It normally only happens when I’m on the road and forgetful about managing my travel plans with my bank. This time, I wasn’t even going anywhere special and still managed to do it. The grocery clerk and I had been chatting prior to this. He made a joke I often make where, upon taking the time…
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Don’t do them
“We are constantly trying to hold it all together. If you really want to see why you do things, then don’t do them and see what happens.” ― Michael A. Singer I’ve reached a breaking point with certain aspects of my life and I’m ready to fully embrace the intent of this quote. Why do we do the things we do? A therapist gave me really good advice once, “When you step in to intervene, you might be robbing someone of growth”. Those words have always stuck with me and today they ring true. When I left the San Francisco…
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Start the clock
I am writing a book and it will be a collection of thoughts about surrogacy. I have no clue how long it’ll take. I have no clue if I’ll ever finish it. I just know I need to go from a “One day I’ll write a book” to “I am writing a book” mentality. I figure if I start saying it, I’ll do it. This has worked in the past (how I nomaded, how I ended up in San Diego, how I bought minicooper, blah blah). I am writing a book. iamwritingabook. I. AM. WRITING. A. BOOK. Truthfully, I’ve already…
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Real reason
It alway amazes me in my nomading when I find comfort in a still new and unknown place. This past weekend I went to Chicago and stayed with a dear friend from high school. I explored the city a ton by foot whereas in visits past I mainly relied on public transit and lyfts. I walked and walked capturing photos, calling friends, sipping coffee as I went. The cover story for the trip was a triple header rugby match up. The real reason was to give me another chance to breathe in true Fall air and to be around someone…
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Restless
After months of random, one off strangers dealing with my hair on a 3-5 week basis, I have a barber. I call. She knows me and recognizes my voice when I call – “Anne? Hey! When works to get you in?”. I went in yesterday as the news of the lottery broke. As many humans do, we discussed how life would change if we won that money. “I’d travel through Europe and do all the classic cities – London, Paris, Barcelona. After a month or so, I’d get restless and come back to open up an animal shelter.” As MY…
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Tips for Distinguishing Between Self Care & Self Enabling
Yesterday, I realized I hadn’t left my room except to eat, go to the gym, and get coffee. Usually this situation would be cause for concern for me but, strangely, I realized I had actually had a really wonderful and productive day staring incessantly at my computer screen. This led me down a path I go often: When am I performing a ritual of self care or giving into self enablement? I’ve debated this for months if not years with myself and others. In true millennial fashion, I turned to Instagram to crowdsource an answer. What follows is a summary…
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Automattic: 4 Year Anniversary
This is the loudest thought in my head when I think about 4 years of working at Automattic – “How did my world become so vast? How did I get so lucky?”. My only fear is that my luck will run out as this opportunity feels so rare. Looking back, my world was so terribly small growing up with the limits of it being how far my little legs could bike and now my heart stretches to expand the world that exists in my being. I ache over places and people and memories because I’ve had so many fantastic ones. It’s…
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absorbed entirely
“You are constantly told in depression that your judgment is compromised, but a part of depression is that it touches cognition. That you are having a breakdown does not mean that your life isn’t a mess. If there are issues you have successfully skirted or avoided for years, they come cropping back up and stare you full in the face, and one aspect of depression is a deep knowledge that the comforting doctors who assure you that your judgment is bad are wrong. You are in touch with the real terribleness of your life. You can accept rationally that later,…
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Unfinished
Friend: “Why did you come back to San Diego of all places?” Me: “Something feels unfinished – like a book I started, put down, and still desperately want to know the ending of.” Friend: “What feels unfinished?” Me: “I don’t know yet… I haven’t been able to figure that part out.” Why did I come back? I’ve been wrestling with this. As 2 weeks have now passed since I’ve been back and I have no trips planned at all in the next month, reality is settling in. Last night, I was curled up in bed watching a show trying to…
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Recalibrating
In the last 24 hours, I’ve hit a wall in the form of sentences becoming harder to write and read, thoughts becoming pure fog, and my body wanting to just remain in a lazy curl in bed. I’m running through my coping mechanisms like I usually do my to do lists. I can’t quite tell what the cause of this recent downturn is. Is it my mental health? Is it my body finally reacting to what I’ve put it through over this recent nomading stint? Is it adjusting to having roommates? I’m not sure. I do know two things though: I’m…
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The shade in which I currently sit
I was chatting with a friend this past week about whether there might be a “nomad gene” for folks who can’t stop moving. He quipped that if it exists, “you for sure have it”. I laughed – I definitely don’t. My default nature is one of introversion and routine. I marvel at myself for doing what I do living without an address with all my items in my minicooper. I wrote about this recently as this is not the life I ever imagined for myself and I mean that in the most hopeful way. WordPress turned 15 yesterday and I owe so…
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At the whim of others
I normally don’t skip dinner. I think somewhere deep inside I knew that if I did eat, I wouldn’t go to the gym. I’ve had a rough time getting back to “normalcy” after 2 months in Europe. My patience with myself was wearing thin so I changed and headed to the gym. 2 hours and lots of sweat later, I landed back in the Portland apartment I have been housesitting for the last 9 days for a coworker. I normally only locked the top bolt of the door but, in my impatience with myself, I locked the door handle for a…
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Cat-spiration
I’ve never been particularly fond of cats. I don’t fully trust them. Dogs seem oblivious enough to never purposefully be malicious. Cats seem smart enough to know how to draw lines I might not see coming. There are two cats though that have captured my attention and love. Sadly, they are my coworker’s cats! I’m housesitting for him right now and have far too many pictures of them as a result. In a way, they’ve become my muses. It’s a neat challenge to try to capture a being’s essence through photos.
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Misophonia
I was randomly poking through 23andme after getting an email from them about new relatives when I saw this report. At long last – I could prove my uncontrollable hatred of sound! Truly, this was a RELIEF to see. For as long as I can remember, this has been an issue for me. I always felt insane as I’d grapple sitting at the dinner table listening to my family madly chew their food. Me in a blind rage – them completely unaware. I’ve often had to leave rooms just at the sight of a family member reaching for a glass…
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Sifting through digital clutter
What follows are my favorite pictures thus far from my travels through Portugal, Spain, and Switzerland with my mom. I’ve been in Europe nomading since March 10th which blows my mind! I’ve seen so much that it’s hard for me to process it all until I look back on these pictures. 90% of these are shot on my x100f camera and aren’t edited. Some are edited via instagram but everything else is “raw”. I prefer images that way if I can swing it – there’s something more fun about them. They are all randomized so you too can get the…
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Keeping a list
Having been to Europe numerous times now, I have been fortunately to become quite familiar with some big name artists! I can now easily recognize the likes of Picasso, Monet, Manet, Degas, Rodin, Pissarro, Pollock Munch, Courbet, Cezanne, Dali, Gainsborough, etc. After exploring Madrid & Barcelona part of this past month, I’ve slowly started to add in Gris and Miro to my knowledge base (when I can remember their names). I still have trouble with the likes of Velasquez as so many other artists have such similar styles to my untrained eye. With all of that said, I still feel…
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