For a fuller view of my writing beyond my recent posts, dive in below and peruse as much or as little as you’d like. I write about a wide range of topics from WordPress to Surrogacy to Photography to Mental Health. Don’t follow me if you want to only hear about a certain topic as I write based on what comes up for me in that moment of time. As always, thanks for reading.
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Craving silence
I jumped on a call the other day for work. I didn’t want to speak. I struggled to muster words. I was craving silence. I didn’t realize until recently how much of my life is filled with noise. Music in the car. Music at the coffee shop. Music at the gym. Music while I work. Podcasts blaring as my eyes drift to sleep. I practically survive on this adrenaline inducing noise – this constant heartbeat for my life. Notifications, texts, emails, pings. It never stops. It’s unrelenting. It feels like an avalanche that keeps burying me deeper and deeper as I…
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Surrogacy & Handmaid’s Tale
I read Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood in high school. At the time, I don’t remember it affecting me too much. I remembered the Latin phrase “don’t let the bastards grind you down” more than I remembered the full plot line likely due to being in Latin class at the time. Watching the book play out on Hulu has been strange – it’s affecting me more than I thought it would. Most folks probably expect this to be due to the election, the critique on gender equality, the LGBTQ issues, the violence, etc. but it actually has to do with…
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Hit of clarity
There’s turbulence on the plane and I love the fear it sends through me. I love the clarity it gives on my life. Growing up in the times of 9/11 has made the act of stepping on a plane an act of facing one’s mortality even when we’re all more likely to die from a car accident. Statistics don’t calm my emotions at the end of the day (especially after you’ve experienced enough of the bell curve’s extremes). I was on a hike in Denver last summer with a friend when we stumbled upon a rattlesnake sunbathing on the trail. Throwing some…
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I opened the blinds today
Of note, started writing this the day I got back yet finished it later. I opened the blinds today to let light pour into my apartment in San Diego. I just got back from Paris last night and my body currently thinks it’s 9:30PM. I’m not sure if it was the inordinate amount of wine and bread, the fact that I didn’t work for two weeks straight, the incredible art I was able to witness in Paris, or the healing power of being around people who know and love you for you but… my heart is so full. Writing that feels like…
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Snooze-less existence
It’s 7AM and I’m at my favorite coffee shop in San Diego. I woke up at 6:15AM and hit snooze once (likely because I fell asleep at 2AM). 10 min later and I was up. The last two months I’ve been hitting snooze. I’ll have a call at 8am and set my alarm for 7am only to snooze it repeatedly until 7:55am. I chalked it up to falling asleep too late the night before (which is also a problem) or my weird waking up at 5am habit. As I moved away from the 5am habit, the snooze habit stuck. I…
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Connie Guion
Photo of Connie Guion, 1961, published in “The Amazing Doctor Guion,” LOOK, Sept. 12, 1961. (Charlotte Brooks/Courtesy of the Davis Museum at Wellesley College, Gift of Katherine Hall Page) Growing up, I heard stories about Aunt Connie Guion from my mom. I could sense the admiration and pride she had in being related to her at such an early age that I actually did a 6th grade presentation on Connie. I remember how much fun it was finding pictures and peppering my mom with questions about this truly badass woman in our family. Here’s a part of her very brief Wikipedia…
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An ode to 23
“I don’t know what to expect out of this year. Ideally, I’d love to pick a place to stay more long term to live. I could also see myself loving the nomad life for another year. Who knows! I don’t and I’m not worried about figuring it out. More than anything, I want to keep accepting challenges and to continue to seek out pure fun. I want to become more “grey”. I want to learn that I can be a good person and still refuse to let myself be mistreated or taken advantage of. I want to leave myself open to impromptu…
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A beautiful San Diego Day in the Life
I work at Automattic, the parent company of WordPress.com and all that jazz, as a Happiness Engineer and a team lead. My team is in charge of creating happiness for a wide variety of users from Jetpack to Sensei. I’ve written before about what my days at Automattic have looked like but haven’t since “settling” down a bit more recently in San Diego. 7AM – snooze alarm for 20 minutes I still go to bed too late these days so a 7AM wake up call is something I’m trying to slowly adjust my body to in hopes I’ll pass out one…
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Go where you are rare
“Go where you are rare” – Megan Smith I just got back to my place yesterday from Lesbians Who Tech in San Francisco. It was exhausting just as much as it was inspiring. This line from the third ever CTO of America stood out amongst everything else I heard. She said it in the context of what she wants to do next and why she’s not returning to the Bay Area. I think about this a lot from the diversity angle. Sometimes you are the diversity and sometimes you are surrounded by “your people”. Sometimes you have to be the dissenting…
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Who doesn’t know any better
“Treat your mind the way you would a young child who doesn’t know any better. Be gentle but firm. Meditation means bringing your mind back when you notice it has wandered; it’s not about keeping your mind from wandering in the first place.” – Mark Epstein, The Trauma of Everyday Life I’ve been reading the book quoted above recently as part of a new long distance book club I created and I came upon some fantastic realizations today. I could hardly stop reading. In one chapter, he talks about how he went on a silent meditation retreat only to find himself jolting…
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Caffeinated meditation
Deep breath – WHEW FEEL THAT ENERGY. Focus on the breathe….. Man, lunch was good. Is that a feeling or a thought. That’s a feeling. Erm. That’s a thought. How do you tell the difference? Okay okay. Calm the mind. Calm your shaking hand. Calm…. GO DO ALL THE THINGS. No no. Be here now. Deeeep breath. Focus on the – wow I’m feeling this caffeine. Is that a thought or a feeling? Let’s just go with it being both. Damn it. Focus… takes deep breath. Everything feels so clear already though! Caffeine is clarity. Clarity is caffeine. Boom – zen master…
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Blending
I was reading over old blog posts recently on my private blog when I found multiple mentions of not recognizing my life. As I try to write to explain how I’m feeling, I’m reminded of this quick passage I wrote in college i read for the last section of my philosophy class about whether language determines thought or thought determines language. and in one section, the writer stated something about having a moment where you write something and erase it because it doesnt match what you are trying to convey. that moment where you cant find the words. he used…
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Thoughts on what to wear to therapy
Hmm. I don’t want to look too put together so she thinks I actually have my shit together and runs me out of therapy. “You’re good, girl! Go out into the world!” Must avoid. Hmm. I can’t look too disheveled though – that might be concerning. She may question the last time I did laundry or showered or left the house or interacted with other humans. Damn it. “Um – maybe we should switch focus today to talk about normal things humans do…” Must avoid. I only own two pairs of pants and one pair needs to be washed so that…
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what happens after vegas
This past week, I headed to Las Vegas for a meetup with the happiness leads working at Automattic. Since we are a distributed company the time in person is really valuable and provides a new way of communicating with one another. I am living in San Diego right now so I decided it would be way more fun to make a road trip out of it rather than fly the short distance. A fellow lead and friend, Ryan, lives in LA so I didn’t have to make the trek alone which was a nice change of pace after mostly traveling solo these last…
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Stepping up your mom game
One of my favorite coffee shops happens to be in a neighborhood with very little parking. In an effort to find a silver lining, I use the time it takes to walk from my car to the coffee shop to quickly call the few people I can bear to talk on the phone with. Quick caveat: I hate talking on the phone. I will only do it in emergencies or with people who I have known for YEARS. Seriously – YEARS. Today, I decided to call my mom. We don’t talk everyday by any means – at most we talk once a…
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Embrace the delay
On Friday, I left abruptly to head to Arizona. I drove through terrible weather – buckets of rain, heavy winds that shake your car, fog that makes it hard to see. It was fantastic though. As I was driving, I was delighted to realize I was going to be able to catch the sunset on the road. As I turned a corner weaving through some mountainous areas, the weather broke and I found myself anticipating beautiful views ahead. I could barely stand it. Upon catching a mere glimpse of this view, I pulled over immediately without thinking and threw my car…
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Gender & Google
Inspired by this article “Does Google Think You’re the Wrong Gender?”, I’m running a test and changing my gender in Google’s settings to “agender”. I don’t strongly identify with either gender and, after hearing a coworker mention the term I ran with it for this fun little test. I’m curious what ads I’m shown when they don’t have a gender marker to base their strategy on. Plus, I’m hoping my spotify account is somehow connected up to this more directly so I can stop getting ads about condoms 😉 As much fun as that is, condom usage is not a current or…
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Kind words written by a stranger
I’m a prolific writer in many ways. I write all day for my job. In small moments, I’ll scribble notes in my phone. I have nearly 300 of these notes on my phone currently. I was scrolling through last week trying to find a specific day to piece something together when I found this entry below. It’s edited to remove names and some specifics to my life. I share it mainly because I feel like it might help someone else. I’ve turned to it twice since I found it slowly re-reading it. It feels like it’s written by a stranger…
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Sleeeeep (or the lack of it)
For the last year or so, my body has gotten into this strange habit of waking itself up for no damn reason at around 4am-5am in the morning. In an attempt to track this and see if there’s any reason/cause/whatever, I’ve started trying to remember to take screenshots of my phone this week when I wake up. It’s pretty simple – I wake up, roll over, find my phone in the blankets, and do a screengrab of the home screen to snag the time (ignore the random notifications): From this week, we’ve got 5:05AM, 5:43AM, 5:03AM, and 4:02AM. I…
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Minimalist Home Fund
As of today, I’ve officially decided to start a minimalist home fund. No sooner than being 15 minutes into the documentary on minimalism, I could barely contain myself from looking up shipping container homes, designers for tiny homes, lessons learned, etc. I have no doubt I want to live this way for the rest of my life. To live in a simple, refined, and purposeful place seriously makes me so excited mainly because my mind immediately goes to alllll of the other awesome things I can do with the saved money, time, space, etc. I still haven’t bought a bed…
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End of year vignettes
During my month in Colorado, one of my dearest friends and I tackled the Manitou Incline together. When we reached the top, we decided to keep going and half rock climbed our way up a rock face to get a better view. Per usual, I was hesitant but Steven took something that felt out of reach and made it accessible (and made me feel safe). The picture below is from us at the top of that rock face. In a spur of carefree youth, we decided to barrel down the mountain trail running our way down laughing and joking as…
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2016: Let my shadows prove the sunshine
Oh, 2016. I set out to write this post as many others have done before – it was a really hard year personally speaking. This time last year I was newly single, driving up to ATL to spend NYE with friends, and completely lost. I had nothing that was tying me to my day to day life at all. All I knew was that my heart hurt more than I knew what to do with and my brain wasn’t helping anything. Here’s a very small excerpt from my mental state this time last year from a post on my private blog (12/29/15): I…
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Stay
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word for you: Leave. Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.” ― Donald Miller It might be time for to stay. It might be time to change,…
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Witnesses
We are dangerously close to repeating the past. Walk through a museum and you’ll be reminded of this. We must first be witnesses. We must first learn to know better. Then we must act. Go to a museum and witness the past and present through the few lenses willing enough to offer it to us. Read a book that unravels a part of the world you might not otherwise discover. Wander the halls of a library and take in the enormity of what you do not know. Listen. Oh listen. There’s so much to learn before we even think to…
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What to wear to therapy
I very rarely think about what I’m wearing but, for some reason, going to therapy sets off mental alarm bells like I’m going to the principal’s office or headed to an important meeting. “I should probably look presentable while I word vomit about all the rushing thoughts in my brain.” “Hmm I can’t just wear pajamas. That might be a bit too worrisome.” “I feel a good cry in me – probably should change shirts.” I realized today that the key to what to wear lies in this question: Do you plan to cry today? If you do, make sure to avoid…
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On flying
Without fail each time I board I flight, I contemplate mortality. I pause and look around me at the folks on board. “Who would I turn to if the flight went down and I only had one other person to mutter out my deepest wishes before dying?” Or would I just be a witness to them as they spoke about their children and how they wanted more for their life?! Or would the person next to me just let out a long sigh and smile as the plane went down? Super morbid – I know. I grew up seeing 9/11…
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notification avalanche
18 text messages. 45 slack pings. 55 emails in my work email. 18 emails in my personal email. 3 Facebook messages. 5 Facebook notifications. What on earth?! One day I want to track how many things I’m notified about just to get a sense of the shear amount of information I have to process on a day to day basis. This doesn’t even include my own to do list or, you know, the fact that my mom called me on Saturday night and I have yet to call her back (sorry, mom). It’s baffling we have any attention span at…
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Leadership lessons from living nomadically
“Oh – are you actually going to work today?”. I just moved to San Diego and the barista at a coffee shop 2 blocks from my house looks surprised as I sauntered in to order coffee doned in my favorite casual attire aka PJs. I chuckled and started to explain my job. I realized today that I am one of a handful (or the only) nomadic team lead at Automattic. It never occurred to me until this week as a number of stressful situations were thrown my way. I’ve learned A LOT from being a lead of a remote team but…
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Post office trips
Less than a block from my apartment is a somewhat rundown post office affiliate. I passed it without realizing it was even open the first time. Having a post office not even a baseball throw away has turned me into a prolific postcard writer these days. If I’m lucky, the owner’s dog is there. We have a routine – I walk in, drop into a squat with my arms wide open, and she comes waddling towards me already licking the air in preparation for planting kisses on me. My favorite days are the ones where I am headed to the gym…
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To those who feel like a burden
This is for those of you who feel like burdens to friends and who are valiantly trying to shoulder the weight of your struggles by yourself. Please give others the opportunity to help. Please don’t fight alone. Please treat yourself as you would a dearly loved friend. In the last year, I’ve had too many conversations with too many incredible humans who are hurting alone and who timidly come to me at the very end of themselves. “I don’t want to be a burden.” “I’m sorry I’m calling again.” “I’m sorry to bug you.” They don’t want to be burdens…
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