For a fuller view of my writing beyond my recent posts, dive in below and peruse as much or as little as you’d like. I write about a wide range of topics from WordPress to Surrogacy to Photography to Mental Health. Don’t follow me if you want to only hear about a certain topic as I write based on what comes up for me in that moment of time. As always, thanks for reading.
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Behind the scenes of creating art with WordPress
It’s been nearly a year since the launch of the Block Museum, a virtual art exhibit of art pieces made with different versions of WordPress. In that time span, three WordPress releases have come out with ever greater tools for creativity. Meanwhile, the Block Museum opened to submissions, introduced an interactive exhibit, and a few pieces were featured subtly in the State of the Word (circular rainbow and splitting) pictured below: While anyone can view how each piece is made code wise, I thought it would be fun to pull the curtain back a bit more on this favorite side…
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tiny feelings
At varying points in our lives, we’re each told what is and isn’t okay to feel. It’s a normal part of a society that teaches right/wrong, bad/good, etc. Sometimes we get this wrong though or we internalize a small moment that was a mere passing comment made without much thought in another person’s life. This is what underpins the art of unlearning and finding our way again as we get older. Some never do and admonish me for unladylike things. Others help me see a path to feel things I didn’t think I could. Thinking about and feeling much of…
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ways to go
I sometimes forget that I work in tech, ignoring different headlines as boring and instead opting to read about more compelling matters. At Automattic, where I work, slack has been ablaze with the glorious ChatGPT. I’ll let you google the details but at its simplest it’s a AI-powered chat bot. After having it write some very silly poems for a warm up, I posed the question: “What makes surrogacy problematic?” Here’s a screenshot I immediately took after it spit this out: What about the children born from surrogacy? What about the entire premise of why surrogacy is done? Out of…
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extreme alignment
I looked around me at pick-up soccer today in a random pause in the game. I felt such extreme alignment in living the life I want — in showing up for people, in keeping in touch from afar, in keeping my heart open, in speaking truth, in working hard, in resting and not getting caught up, on and on. I felt it deeply rooted in me and soaked it up. The ball was played in and I chased after it with a big smile on my face knowing that today was so good.
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even when
My grandma was paralyzed on half of her body for most of my life. It impacted her dominate side so, since I was 12 or so, I watched her navigate both asking for help and being wildly independent (to the point that that independence is what also led to her death in many ways). I’d park myself in her wheelchair, scoot up next to her, and talk for hours. We had the same sized hands and I wear two of her rings on my thumbs each day. When I was six, my brother slammed my left hand in our big…
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So you want to talk about FSE? Part III
Inspired by two prior posts I wrote, So you want to talk about Full Site Editing? and So you want to talk about FSE? 5.9 Edition, I wanted to offer a non-release specific update as I have found myself sharing the same resources repeatedly. As before, I recommend checking out the prior posts as I try as much as possible to only share new information in each so the posts can build upon each other. As always, I would love contributions from the wider community to build this out into an even more comprehensive resource! Like last time, see this post as…
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Help me meet another surrogate kid
I’ve never met another person born via surrogacy. That’s not entirely true–I did meet a baby at a surrogacy conference in San Francisco about 8 years ago who was born via gestational surrogacy (I was born via traditional). She wasn’t even at the babbling age so it felt like a cruel twist that my kind of first meeting would be with someone I couldn’t converse with. It also drove home how much of a potential “elder” I am in the surrogacy space and the responsibility I might have to the next generation of surrogate kiddos to pave a way towards…
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Automattic: 8 Year Anniversary
For the first time in eight years, I celebrated my work-aversary in person with a few coworkers. For a distributed company like Automattic, it’s a true reflection of how much I appreciate my coworkers that I’d want to meet up with them to celebrate, despite no need to do so. Each have been at the company longer than me and it felt surreal to gather. I kept having flashes of how they each have shown up in this lengthy eight year journey of mine. In many ways, I’ve somehow stumbled into a dream role. After two years of being a…
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their voice
One of my favorite signs of intimacy with another is when you can read a text from them in their voice, knowing exactly how they might say whatever you’re reading.
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never know
I was off caffeine, away from wifi, and on top of mountains for most of the last few days. I caught myself whispering aloud to my very dead grandma on some of these glorious hikes. It was all so beautiful that I found myself wondering what I might try to say in a postcard or letter. While my dad would show her the photos, how would I convey what I’m feeling in this instant? In the midst of one of these moments, I realized she died without knowing I moved to Seattle. These “firsts” after a loved one dies are…
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surrounded
Wrote this as a note on my phone on August 29th, 2022. Back dating this post to then! I’ve had such a weird but wonderful day all around and in so many ways. I woke up at 5:40 am, mostly ready to go barring a few items I had listed down to snag. Not on that list was any amount of truly warm clothes beyond a rain jacket I threw on last minute as I walked out the door. It dawned on me to check the weather after leaving only to find high of 70 and low of mid 40s.…
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introvert friendly
For what feels like the very first time, I had an almost entirely silent haircut. It happened at a hole in the wall place (the best) around the corner from me that only takes cash and doesn’t have appointments. From the start, I was intrigued. I hardly showed the barber a photo and he turned me around so I couldn’t see the mirror as he worked. I sat silent the entire time staring off and lost in my thoughts. A loud TV show played in the background and another person was already lined up. In what must have been no…
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remember the world
I didn’t sleep much last night. I installed a portable AC unit very poorly yesterday and, despite having had one while living in San Diego, my brain decided this one would catch on fire while I was sleeping for some unknown reason. I emotionally muscled my way through a presentation in the morning followed by the start of a brief course I’m taking on effective altruism before the day really hit me. The anxiety began to settle and I mentally noted that I’d need to meditate to get through, especially with my body too sore to work out again today.…
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against the odds
The last few weeks, I’ve had moments of profound awe that I get to know the people that I do. Perhaps it’s from looking at the images from the webb telescope and realizing how improbable our planet is, let alone the fact that I somehow managed to find people I connect with on a deep level. It’s everything from working with people in 90+ different countries at Automattic to the ability to stay in touch with childhood friends across great distances to meeting newer people far from where I was raised. It all has felt very unbelievable in a way…
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to those struggling to get by
Another companion piece of sorts for two prior posts: To those who feel like a burden & To those who aren’t very attached to life. This is a post to those struggling to get by, with little to look forward to and the days feeling dreary. I do not have answers. What follows are simply observations of what has/hasn’t worked for me that I wanted to pass along. Create your own joy (and share it) Much of life is mundane. I’ll spare my rant about tech making us think otherwise with the dopamine hits we’ve grown used to. There is very…
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limiting
Sometimes I so prioritize being consistent that I forget there’s the option to simply show up when I can, how I can. I’ve had to cancel a myriad of plans in the last week for a few reasons and a wave of rumination hit. In one case, I even texted something to the effect of, “this isn’t like me.” It was after sending that message that I paused to wonder why. It’s okay if consistency is reserved for the things and people I really want to show up for. It’s even more so okay for me to make that known.…
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already survived
I couldn’t remember that going on a hike was an option today. My world was so narrow. My thoughts so limited. I checked how long it would take to drive to the bike path (1 hour 40 minutes) and pivoted to playing soccer, only to find the turf field nearby getting repairs. It took me nearly the entire walk home debating whether to still drive to the bike path to remember that I could go on a nearby hike. How do I return to myself on these days? I’ve spent so long trying to follow the “say what you need!”…
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attempt
I asked someone recently what were some things that made them happy in the last week or so. I have a horrible habit of not turning questions on myself so this is my attempt to do so with a quick list of things that brought a smile or meaning: Spending time with people in their 90s, my grandma’s former peers, and hearing about their lives, from the glorious glasses one woman seeks out to the incredible photographs another took. Being around those same 90+ year old people and feeling a tangible sense that they want to be witnessed. Most seem…
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wild pals
I made a tiny friend today and took their photo, despite their shyness. Doing so reminded me of all of the other wild pals I’ve managed to capture. In particular, here are a few favorites:
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commit to intensity
I feel stuck between two philosophies, trying to find the balance and the nuance. One tells me that you can’t wait for things to happen or to stumble across meaning, adventure, joy, etc. It’s best summed up in this quote. The other tells me that fighting for things to be different than they are is a form of aggression and control. I run through different scenarios in my life wondering how each philosophy plays out, reflecting on which I chose in various moments, and wondering what most aligns with how I want to live. I both don’t want to be…
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layered
I was reminded today how much I love things that force me to attention and how much I seek that out in my hobbies — lifting, woodcarving, soccer, photography, and (now perhaps making a return in my life) biking. To be both at attention and in a flow state feels dreamy. You can’t truly daydream when you’re squatting heavy weights. You’ll miss the perfect shot if you’re elsewhere when the moment arrives before your lens. You can’t afford to look away when a blade is in your hands. I sometimes feel most like myself on a soccer field. I’m perfectly…
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new bike
My grandma called me on my birthday this year. I was in DC at a museum exhibit for the House of Sweden. I stepped out of the exhibit, took a moment to remind myself to speak loudly/clearly/slowly, and picked up. She told me about how she wanted to give me some extra money for my birthday to help cover part of the expenses of a fancy adult bike. I didn’t fully know it then, despite always anticipating it being the case, but that would be my last phone call with her. It didn’t last long–7 minutes at most. Before hanging…
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perfect pair
I wore these sambas through the pandemic, walking for hours in San Diego to nearly slipping in the snow in Salt Lake City to fully wiping out in the mud with my friend’s dog in the mountains of North Carolina. They carried me on lonely walks and skipped along with me for joyous reunions. They have had holes in them for weeks now (or, more honestly, months). I don’t want to give them up. They were the last pair to see my grandma. In scrolling through photos, I found how they were originally on September 5th, 2019: I was just…
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all the doors
Turns out, you use your index finger for a lot. A lot more than I ever could have imagined. Brushing teeth, cleaning pots, cutting veggies, opening doors, typing, wood carving, doing your hair, putting on shoes, rubbing your face in pain. Very early on during a glorious pick up soccer game yesterday, I collided with a guy going in the opposite direction. It was brief and minor but my hand snapped. I felt the pain, decided it wasn’t an extremity that impacted by ability to play, and kept playing for nearly two more hours with a few very painful high…
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awake
I had a terrible nightmare the other night to the point that I might have nearly sprained my ankle in my anguish to help in the dream world. I was skiing (have never been so good job, Dream Anne, on the imaginative aspect) behind a friend when she fell through the ice/snow, only to be swallowed whole. I knew she was somewhere beneath me and pounded the surface below me to try to break her free. I woke up in a sweat with both feet bent as if I had been stomping and my left ankle throbbing. I hobbled into…
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Progress
Sometimes at the start of a new wood carving project, I can’t fathom ever getting to the end. Very quickly, it becomes just about the pure motion of chipping away rather than the shape of anything forming. Each stage requires a different headspace for me — I start with chaotic, large chunks flying and have to end with calm, tiny adjustments. This might be why I often have a few pieces going at once. I rummage around the various in progress pieces reflecting as I go trying to match my state with what the wood in my hand needs.
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best $10 of my life
I tweaked my knee on Sunday. I was playing soccer on a glorious day after an intensely social weekend with a lovely friend when I planted to make a pass and felt my knee hyperextend (the pass turned out to be an assist for the record). I immediately paused after and felt it out. Something was off. I kept playing but mentally could tell I was now favoring that side, which is never wise to do. I stepped off the field and did my own very unofficial evaluation. I tried lightly squatting on the left side, jumping, light cutting, etc.…
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extra
I don’t want to change my contacts. They were what helped me see the last moments of my grandma. They helped me see her breaths and stillness alike. I don’t want to throw away the two pairs of shoes I have filled with holes for the same reason, despite now living in Seattle where it rains regularly. My socks get wet and holes grow in my socks as if to match and protest what’s happening to the shoes themselves. I’m not ready. When I saw her in December, I thought it would be the last time. I drove my car…
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dark ages
I’ve always been fascinated by humanity somehow gaining and then losing the ability to do something throughout human history. Time does not always cause progress. I fear it in my own life on a micro scale. From time to time, I open up my own archives in the form of bizarre old blog posts often written in an extreme mental state to see what patterns I’ve missed or insights I’ve lost. Usually, it feels lightly entertaining and gives me more compassion for my former self. Sometimes though I come across something and am shocked that I have managed to lose…
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Lillian McCarthy
“We’re all just walking each other home.” Ram Dass I thought I understood fully what the above quote meant. It’s been just over a week since my grandma took her last breath. She died on a Saturday sometime between 2:05pm and 2:20pm. I know it was roughly that timeframe because my uncle and I stepped out to give her 15 minutes in case she wanted to die alone as one of her doctors indicated some do. I didn’t want to leave her but I did, knowing that she has always been one for privacy. When we returned, it was obvious…
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